[15 Feb 2005|09:15pm] i should have listened when they told me that you wouldnt listen. oh well, it was worth a try..

"bitch, your gonna finally hear me out this time" [12 Feb 2005|12:42am] when i said "how much would our lives suck if the other one was to leave us" i didnt mean it as in we cant get on fine on our own, i am saying that the person who is left would be devastated by greif and that would make their lives just suck cause they wouldnt be able to get back up in order to start all over again. i guess you just misunderstand what i say. but i dont know how you could have just flat out ignore me when you know that that would kill me inside. you watched me suffer when i couldnt talk to kyle when i knew he cheated on me...i crossed my heart and hoped to die...even though i didnt even care that much about that whole thing. i mean i knew that you pull shit like this with your friends where you just decide to stop talking to them, but i guess i believed you when you told me that it was going to be something different...i wasnt anything but honest to you, and i told you everything, apparently you missinterpretted my honesty in every way. all of my honest comments were received as guilt trips from you. i was trying to be honest to show you how important you were to me, but apparently again i was wrong to think that because i guess we werent important to eachother. all i would have asked for was for you to tell me in some way, so that i didnt feel retarded when i was making sure that i covered enough for you and me, in case you decided to show up. how niave of me. i just hope in the future you have the decency to give the person a heads up, so that they arent shocked and confused and startled like a dear in head lights not knowing which direction to go. so i really didnt want to post this...cause i have to much pride to expose the wound that i have pathetically let you cause, but i think you should know, for the future, how shitty it is for you to just not talk to a person. it can drive someone mad. if anyone wasn't talking to me, it would drive me mad. but i guess i can thank you for helping me see all the mistakes that i have been making toward my family and friends and how i mistreated them. ignoring a problem does not make it go away. you wouldnt confront me about anything. and it made me want to die, because instead of knowing what exactly pisses you off about me, i was left to find all my flaws on my own, shrinking from my own thoughts. i tore myself apart because i wanted to fix whatever it was that was wrong with me. anyway, i know i am sounding pathetic, but i knew this was the only place you would listen to me. i didn't care so much to say it for me, as to say it for others, to maybe spare future friends that you may have that are like me from having to feel like this. oh ya, and when i said i wanted you to be happy, it was me asking you what i could do to help, not saying i just wanted you to be happy. but again, with the misinterpretation. you had to take it as i dont want you to be sad around me, and i was just saying that i wanted you to be comfortable. and yes. this is a guilt trip. and ya i know it...and besides the guilt trip, and all the negative things i have to say about the way i feel about the way you treated me, i still believe you have a lot of good qualities in you and dont misconstrue (no idea how to spell) what i said, i am just saying the way you have treated me (someone you claimed to care about) was shitty. im gonna stop trying to save myself here cause i know you will probably be mad no matter what. but im bitter. and i reserve the right to do whatever the fuck i want.

(2 | !!!) [08 Feb 2005|07:24pm] .people are shitty. and so am i. but there are some good ones out there. and when you come along them, you should stop and appreciate them. cause maybe then more people will start being nice.

( !!!) [02 Feb 2005|09:27am] so i think i learned a good lesson... in treating others the way you want to be treated. i think i learned to treat my mom better. i hope. its hard to change your ways... i wish it werent so hard to change my ways. i wish we were all the same so then what was good for one person would be good for everyone. why cant we all just be the same?

( !!!) [02 Feb 2005|09:25am] so i think i learned a good lesson... in treating others the way you want to be treated. i think i learned to treat my mom better. i hope. its hard to change your ways...

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